Dream themes
Why do you dream about your ex?
A few studies tie dreams about an ex to how much that person still occupies your waking mind (Cartwright et al., 2006; Domhoff, 2005). These dreams are common: in a two-week diary study of 425 students in Germany, about one in six (15.8%) dreamed of an ex (Schredl & Wood, 2021). A dream alone can’t tell you whether you want them back or whether they’re thinking of you.
Last updated: 2026-10-13.
How often does a former partner appear in dreams, years after a breakup?
An ex shows up in dreams less often than a current partner, but regularly (Schredl & Wood, 2021). In that diary study from Germany, 425 people, mostly psychology students with an average age of 23, kept dream diaries for two weeks in 2000. An ex appeared in 77 of their 1,612 dream reports, or 4.8%, and a current partner in 273, or 16.9%.
Exes can also linger in dreams for years (Schredl et al., 2020). In that online survey, 1,695 adults with an average age of 54 estimated how often exes appeared in their dreams. Their ex dreams were less positive than their partner dreams, and still quite frequent years after a separation. In one man’s journal of 10,952 dreams, former partners still turned up in 45 of the 417 dreams from 2013, a year he spent single, years after most of the breakups (Schredl, 2018). The partners who had filled more dreams while the relationship lasted came back more often.
Are dreams about an ex angrier or kinder than partner dreams?
In the German diary study, interactions with an ex in dreams were more often negative, and more often warm, than interactions with a current partner (Schredl & Wood, 2021).
| What the interaction included | With a partner (296) | With an ex (83) |
|---|---|---|
| Negative feelings | 24.3% | 48.2% |
| Positive feelings | 13.9% | 26.5% |
| Friendliness | 23.3% | 41.0% |
| Aggression of any kind | 12.5% | 27.7% |
| Being separated, said outright | 1.0% | 26.5% |
| Doing something together | 71.0% | 56.6% |
Thirty adults going through a divorce, 20 of them depressed, were woken from dreaming (REM) sleep on three nights over five months to report their dreams (Cartwright et al., 2006). In that study, the more concerned someone was about their former spouse while awake, the more often that spouse appeared in their dreams. The group was small.
Do ex dreams mean you still want them back?
A dream about an ex can’t settle whether you want them back. Schredl and Wood (2021) suggest the warm moments in their diary study may reflect longing in some dreamers, but they couldn’t check, because the study recorded neither relationship status nor feelings about an ex.
Continuity, the idea that dreams carry what matters in waking life, has good support: dreams follow the main people and concerns in your life more than the events of a single day (Domhoff, 2005). The same review describes one woman’s 22-year journal of 3,118 dreams: her ex-husband appeared in negative encounters for 15 years, many replaying old fights. The balance shifted toward friendlier ones, though not completely, around the time she could talk about him without getting upset.
We found no evidence that dreams carry messages between people or predict a reunion. Some people read these dreams in spiritual terms, which research can’t settle.
A dream may still color the next day (Selterman et al., 2014). In that two-week diary study of people in committed relationships, dreams of cheating or jealousy were followed by less closeness and more conflict with the partner on the days after. The study was of current partners, and a cheating dream can’t tell you what anyone has done. Notice the feeling before you act on the plot.
Which questions help you read a dream about an old relationship?
Start with the feeling the dream left, then turn to the details:
- What was happening between you in the dream, and how did it end?
- What did you feel when you woke: relief, longing, anger, or not much at all?
- What reminded you of them in the last few days?
- Is something in your life now echoing the old relationship?
- Is the dream about them, or about who you were back then?
Write the dream down each time, and after a few weeks, look at what was going on when the ex appeared. If the same person returns night after night, see the guides to recurring dreams and to whether dreams mean anything.
What if dreams of an ex frighten you, or follow an abusive relationship?
Frightening dreams about an ex deserve care, especially after an abusive relationship. Repeating nightmares are common among survivors of intimate partner violence (Wagener, 2019). In that study of 78 survivors who were having nightmares, repeating nightmares went with more severe symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and more distress about nightmares, whether or not they replayed the trauma.
Nightmares like these can be treated (AASM, 2020). When nightmares badly disturb your sleep and leave you sleepy by day, the American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends a specialist in behavioral sleep medicine. A therapist can help with some of the causes, and after a traumatic event, that may take more intensive counseling (AASM, 2020). One approach the academy lists, imagery rehearsal therapy, helps you reimagine a recurring nightmare with a less frightening ending. After abuse, try it with a therapist, not alone. If you are in danger now, call your local emergency number.
More questions about dreams of an ex
Does dreaming about my ex mean they’re dreaming about me?
We found no evidence that dreams pass between people, and a dream can’t tell you what someone else is thinking. Dreams follow the dreamer’s own thoughts: one woman’s dream journal showed a romance, and then a betrayal, with a man who had no romantic interest in her (Domhoff, 2005).
Is it a bad sign to dream about an ex when I’m happy with someone new?
A dream can’t tell you how your relationship is going. Adults in a large online survey reported that ex dreams kept coming even years after a separation (Schredl et al., 2020).
Why do I keep dreaming about an ex who has died?
Grief often brings a person back in dreams: in a survey of 278 bereaved people, 58% had dreamed of the loved one who died (Wright et al., 2014). Most found those dreams pleasant, at least in part.
A private record of when they turn up
Dreams Come True, a voice-first dream journal app for iPhone, keeps every entry on your phone with no account; you can look back privately at when an ex turns up and what was going on that week. The free plan shows your last 30 days; Pro shows your whole history.
Sources
- American Academy of Sleep Medicine. (2020, October). Nightmares. Sleep Education. sleepeducation.org/sleep-disorders/nightmares/
- Cartwright, R., Agargun, M. Y., Kirkby, J., & Friedman, J. K. (2006). Relation of dreams to waking concerns. Psychiatry Research, 141(3), 261–270. doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2005.05.013
- Domhoff, G. W. (2005). The content of dreams: Methodologic and theoretical implications. In M. H. Kryger, T. Roth, & W. C. Dement (Eds.), Principles and practice of sleep medicine (4th ed., pp. 522–534). W. B. Saunders. dreams.ucsc.edu/Library/domhoff_2005a.html
- Schredl, M. (2018). Reminiscences of love: Former romantic partners in dreams. International Journal of Dream Research, 11(1), 69–73. doi.org/10.11588/ijodr.2018.1.43842
- Schredl, M., Cadiñanos Echevarria, N., Saint Macary, L., & Weiss, A. F. (2020). Partners and ex-partners in dreams: An online survey. International Journal of Dream Research, 13(2), 274–280. doi.org/10.11588/ijodr.2020.2.75338
- Schredl, M., & Wood, L. C. (2021). Partners and ex-partners in dreams: A diary study. Clocks & Sleep, 3(2), 289–297. doi.org/10.3390/clockssleep3020018
- Selterman, D. F., Apetroaia, A. I., Riela, S., & Aron, A. (2014). Dreaming of you: Behavior and emotion in dreams of significant others predict subsequent relational behavior. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 5(1), 111–118. doi.org/10.1177/1948550613486678
- Wagener, A. E. (2019). Why the nightmares? Repeating nightmares among intimate partner violence survivors. International Journal of Dream Research, 12(2), 14–22. doi.org/10.11588/ijodr.2019.2.60489
- Wright, S. T., Kerr, C. W., Doroszczuk, N. M., Kuszczak, S. M., Hang, P. C., & Luczkiewicz, D. L. (2014). The impact of dreams of the deceased on bereavement: A survey of hospice caregivers. American Journal of Hospice and Palliative Medicine, 31(2), 132–138. doi.org/10.1177/1049909113479201
A gentle note
A dream about someone you once loved can stir up more than you expect. If a past relationship still frightens you, or a breakup has left you struggling, our crisis resources page lists people to talk to. If you have thoughts of ending your life, call or text 988 now if you’re in the US or Canada.